Preparing Your Child, and Yourself, for Adolescence

Today's preparation shapes tomorrow

A child's nature is their own, but behaviour is learned. A well-behaved child is not a matter of luck. And if children learn behaviour, they can also learn to change it.

Children are often seen as a measure of their parents, and families feel judged by their children's behaviour and results. Think of how people choose apples, holding each one to the light and checking for blemishes. In the same way, we want our children to be perfect: happy, respectful, well behaved, motivated and independent. The goals are shared by almost every parent. Reaching them takes effort that starts in early childhood.

Why parenting feels harder today

Many of us were brought up with strict discipline at school and at home. Today, with smaller families, most children are deeply loved and sometimes over-indulged at home, while still facing discipline at school. Parents ask: why don't the old methods work any more?

Part of the answer is that childhood itself has become harder:

• Children feel constant pressure from friends, school, media and sometimes parents.
• Working parents often come home tired, and patience runs short. Single parenting brings its own stresses.
• A generation ago, families in the same neighbourhood shared similar rules. Today every family has its own standards, and children see many versions of right and wrong.

Childhood often passes smoothly. Then adolescence arrives, and expectations change suddenly. In school, children get labelled as "high scorers" or "low scorers", "good" or "bad", sometimes simply because of the friends they keep. A teenager who feels labelled may become stubborn, and as parents and teachers tighten discipline, a cycle of misbehaviour can set in. This is why it helps to prepare, both ourselves and our children, well before adolescence begins.

Love does not always light the way

A young child's mind is more flexible than a teenager's, so childhood is the time to shape behaviour. Every parent can make three promises:

1. Courage. Be open to new ideas. If what you are doing works, keep doing it. If it does not, have the courage to try something different.
2. Patience. Change takes time. We are used to instant results, from quick photos to instant meals, and expect behaviour to change overnight. A few days is not long enough to judge a new approach; some take weeks.
3. Practice. Every parent must practise, including me. My child does not care that I look after other children's health. At home, I am a mother, and I get tested just like every other parent. There is no magic wand.

What helps change behaviour

• Reward what you want to see, and calmly ignore minor misbehaviour. Children repeat behaviour that gets rewarded and drop behaviour that gets no attention.
• Be consistent. Rewarding a behaviour one day and punishing it the next confuses children.
• Know what is normal for each age. This helps you tell ordinary phases from real problems.
• Avoid physical punishment. It is less effective, and harmful. Stories and examples that show good behaviour being valued teach lessons that last.
• Build good habits early: tidiness, personal hygiene, an organised study space. Habits are not inherited; children copy what they see every day, so sometimes parents need to change their own habits first.
• Teach them to handle success and failure. Studies, competition, achievement and disappointment are part of life. Learning to face them calmly brings lasting happiness.
• Model healthy routines at home: regular meals, physical activity, sensible screen time and sleep. Watch programmes together when you can, talk about what you see, and explain the difference between fantasy and real life.
• Praise often, when it is deserved, and correct mistakes privately, never in front of others.
• Keep a simple behaviour diary for children who find change hard. It helps you see gradual progress and stay patient.

Keep going

The years when children need us most pass quickly. Most children come through them well, despite bumps along the way. Parents who persevere, with courage, patience and practice, give their children the best start to adolescence.

If you are worried about your child's behaviour or want guidance before the teenage years, Blooming Buds offers consultations and parent sessions.