Building Self-Esteem in Teenagers with Disabilities

What self-esteem looks like

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, and our behaviour reflects it. It is one of the foundations of happiness and success.

A young person with healthy self-esteem is more likely to:

• act independently and take responsibility
• take pride in what they achieve
• cope with frustration
• try new tasks and challenges
• handle both positive and negative emotions
• help others

A young person with low self-esteem may:

• avoid trying new things
• feel unloved or unwanted
• blame others for their own difficulties
• seem indifferent, or pretend not to care
• become upset easily when things go wrong
• put down their own talents
• be easily influenced by others

Adolescence and disability

Adolescence is a time of big physical, emotional and social change. For most young people, when their needs are met, it can be a fairly smooth path to adulthood: further study or work, new relationships and a clearer sense of who they are. When a physical, sensory, learning or developmental disability is part of the picture, building self-esteem needs extra attention.

Teenagers with disabilities want what all teenagers want: happiness, meaningful work, close relationships, independence, and to be believed in and accepted. What often stands in the way is not the disability itself, but prejudice, missing opportunities to learn skills, and practical or financial barriers.

These challenges show up in three areas of life:

• External: education, work and independent living
• Interpersonal: friendships and relationships
• Personal: self-image and the risk of social isolation

Teenagers with disabilities are more likely to have fewer friends and fewer chances to join in activities, and to spend leisure time alone. Over time this can lead to loneliness and a lower sense of being accepted.

Where help begins: the family

Help starts at home, with parents, and the young person, accepting the disability as a different way of being able rather than a lack of ability. Seek help from a health professional whenever it is needed.

A good approach is family-centred and respectful. Teenagers should:

• lead decisions about the type and amount of support they receive, and
• be treated with respect at every step.

Rather than trying to "fix" young people so they fit society's expectations, we should work on removing the barriers around them: educating others, changing attitudes, improving physical access in schools and public places, and building links with community support such as transport, volunteers and care services.

Tips for teenagers

• Focus on what you can do. Everyone has strengths and limitations. Acknowledge your disability, and build on your abilities.
• Avoid unfair comparisons. Compare like with like. A young athlete with a locomotor disability may not play in the Olympics, but can compete in the Paralympics.
• Set realistic goals. If reading takes you longer, allow the extra time and reward yourself for persevering.
• Don't over-generalise. Not being able to do one thing does not make you a failure. Do not tie your self-worth to a single skill or event.
• Drop unfair "should" statements. "I should finish this exam in 50 minutes like everyone else" may not be fair. Accommodations such as extra time exist so that everyone can show what they know.
• Appreciate all of yourself. List your strengths, including how you cope with your disability. Those coping skills are strengths too.

Tips for parents: fair, firm and friendly

Discipline works best when it is fair, firm and friendly. When your teenager faces a problem:

1. Clarify it together. Ask questions that help them describe what they see, hear and feel, and what needs to change.
2. Brainstorm options. There is usually more than one solution; suggest some if they have none.
3. Let them choose, after thinking through the consequences. The best choice solves the problem and leaves them feeling good about themselves.
4. Review the result together. What worked, what did not, and why. This builds better decisions next time.

Remember

Teenagers with disabilities are teenagers first. Like everyone, they want to be happy. They may not reach every goal, but it matters that they try and that they understand the obstacles they face. Families, schools and health professionals can help them build the confidence to live full lives.

If you are concerned about your teenager's confidence, mood or social life, Blooming Buds can help with assessment, counselling and guidance for the family.